If I Ruled The World

Totally ripped off from a 90's comedy game show whose name I can't remember. Little ways in which you want to make the world better - that are funny, if possible.

Mine? I would write into law that every chip and pin device would have to say "PIN OK" or something similar as soon as you'd got it right. That little fearful moment when you're not sure should never exist.

Have a national "Hit The BNP" day, where the BNP are put in stocks, and the members of the public queue up to whack them with an inflated pig's bladder on a stick.

Your toast would consistently land butter side up. How would I actually do this? Who knows!

I would make UK English the only English, with loss of internet access for those who egregiously and consistently commit criminal errors.

Oooh, man I can see myself having fun on this thread. Here's a small sample of my list of people who will be put up against a wall and shot:

People who make generic jokes, ie at a checkout, and expect to be treated like they're being original.
People who don't clean up their dogs' shit.
People who say "expresso"
People who drive at 40mph at all times, whether the limit is higher or lower than 40.

Drunkalilly wrote:

People who make generic jokes, ie at a checkout, and expect to be treated like they're being original.

Don't they get tired. One that springs to mind at a former job that included relaying the fixtures at supermarkets was when, on my knees having someone saying, 'say a prayer for me'. Man, that got old. Worse was when they would say, "whilst you're down there', which was far more repulsive being said to my female staff. Oh yes, that was so funny, haven't heard that one before.

Drunkalilly wrote:

People who don't clean up their dogs' shit.

Oh gosh, this. Nothing worse that stepping in a large multi-tier hill of dog muck, because some stain on the planet's surface couldn't be bothered to clear up after their pet.

Anyway, this is turning into the Things That XXXX Me Off Thread 3.0, so on a more positive note: a bit of redistribution of wealth would be nice. I'd probably have a much higher tax on companies, across the globe, and a similarly increased spending on the poorer nations.

Oh, and because I'm in charge, I can suspend Kim Jong-Un from a large zeppelin above the Eiffel Tower for public holidays.

Balladeer wrote:

Anyway, this is turning into the Things That XXXX Me Off Thread 3.0, so on a more positive note: a bit of redistribution of wealth would be nice.  I'd probably have a much higher tax on companies, across the globe, and a similarly increased spending on the poorer nations.

I was going to post this originally, but I thought it was a bit to political. I'd make the divide between the 1% and the remainder much less. Obscene wealth is exactly that, and the rich-poor divide is expanding like a gaping chasm.

Stu_the_great wrote:

Balladeer wrote:

Anyway, this is turning into the Things That XXXX Me Off Thread 3.0, so on a more positive note: a bit of redistribution of wealth would be nice.  I'd probably have a much higher tax on companies, across the globe, and a similarly increased spending on the poorer nations.

I was going to post this originally, but I thought it was a bit to political. I'd make the divide between the 1% and the remainder much less. Obscene wealth is exactly that, and the rich-poor divide is expanding like a gaping chasm.

I share your disdain Stu. Obscene wealth is offensive. Some of these people have a house so big, hundreds of people live in a much smaller area as a group. How can that be right? I do understand that people should be able to spend their money on what they like, but some of it goes beyond anything reasonable and will inevitably be lost in the upcoming revolution, just as it did for the French. If you work a 40 hour week, then you should be at minimum, able to support a family on that. Business continue to complain that their workers get paid too much and that disgusts me, especially when their executives are paid massive salaries.

Oh, I am a socialist at heart, always have been.

Redistribution of wealth would be a big one, all bantz aside, and if a complete elimination of organised religion isn't feasible then at least a total split of church and government. No dark age superstition should be influencing the decisions and ideals of world powers.

I'd also try to encourage feminism and multiculturalism as much as possible.

I would dissolve all armies and put the money into healthcare and the like.

I mean, nobody would have a choice about this so it's not exactly democratic, but some sacrifices have to be made...

Fastpie wrote:

I would dissolve all armies...

In acid!? We've got another Matthew Castle here!

Blast. My secret army-dissolving cabal has been discovered. To the Bee-mobile!

HE'S BACK!

Wait, what? Oh.

Customisable self check-out messages, so that you could make the machine say "Thank you for shopping at Sainsbury's* - now f*** off".

*Apologies to our sterling forumites who work for other supermarkets.

From Cappa post earlier in the news thread,

I'm thinking if I was Prime Minster and I had to make the cabinet out of you guys who would have do what.

Cappa as he likes a bargain can be my Chancellor of the Exchequer
Muss can be Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs
Zero as he's a teacher can have Secretary of State for Education
Drunka you can have Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs
Jay you can have Secretary of State for Scotland

I don't know what jobs for the rest of you can have as I feel Balla would be a good at something like Culture, Media and Sport but I can see him forgetting about Football and pushing Cricket and of course theirs the big ones Home Secretary and Defence which need filling.

Nah, scrap the defence minister, give me all the budget so I can save the world from the actual real threat.

I'll let you do both then.

We'll keep one soldier on staff, who stands on the borders of middle eastern countries wearing a poppy and screaming about sovereignty, and I'll use the rest of my budget to save our doomed planet from the catastrophic damage done by human wastefulness.

Mas, everyone knows that you can't have any knowledge of the area you're Secretary of, therefore your appointment of Zero is well off,

Then they're all off then.

masofdas wrote:

...as I feel Balla would be a good at something like Culture, Media and Sport but I can see him forgetting about Football and pushing Cricket...

Opera as our national sport!

Kidding, I hate opera. But I genuinely do feel that football is doing well enough without any support from the government.

I reckon Balla, with his Home Counties poshness, should be Home Secretary. Balla is so posh he doesn't use 'WTF' - he uses 'WOE'.

Sure and as Treesmurf is a Man City fan he take Sport instead.

As ruler of the world I would usher in a new age of peace and prosperity, yet at the same time punish those who would transgress upon justice with an iron fist clad in spiked braces. The rich would be allowed to be rich enough to enjoy luxurious lives, but not so much that their money does nothing but garner interest that will never be spent. The poor will be given the means to have happy lives, with the knowledge that should some tragedy befall them they will have the necessary support to get back on their feet.

Lions would be made the world mascot, embodying the noble yet determined morals of the society I rule.

News outlets would be forced to cover all national sports with equal measure. No more of the nonsense of Football taking up nine minutes of the sports section with the other minute covering bare mentions of every other sport. A true ruler can reign in their temptations, and I would in not forcing the world to abolish football and take up Tennis and Cricket en masse.


Oh, and I would abolish the absolutely vile practice of shops putting on the ear rape of disposable trash music. All shops would have to choose from regulation selections featuring various inoffensive classical music and quality pop from eras where it was actually good.