Dear Daisy, GNamer Romantic Mishaps Thread

I wish I had something worthwhile to add Balla, but having children is so far from my mind right now that I can't give any decent advice or my own point of view. I'm still trying to get myself in order, let alone worry about nurturing a wee sprog and giving them a great upbringing.

I think Drunka's advice about finding some older individuals who have never had kids to get an opposing viewpoint is good advice, mind you - it always helps to look at a situation from multiple angles.

I suppose I should add that when I say I knew I wanted to have kids, it was never really in the sense that I felt I was missing out, more that I felt it was just one of those things. As Drunka says, I'm always gonna say how amazing it is but I couldn't have ever known how I'd feel until that point, it could have been completely different.

Same actually. It's always just been part of the way I saw myself going, apart from when I was with people who didn't want kids, when I didn't really think about it. Then I actually thought about it and it turns out that maybe I actually want them a bit.

I went with my girlfriend in the end, and I don't know whether I made the right decision. I want kids, I think, but in only two days my mind's been rushed and my parents have been the only people I've talked to in person and that may have given me an unfair view. I love my girlfriend more than a hypothetical kid at the moment, but did I just go with the easy option because breaking up is hard in the short-term?

Anyway, thanks to y'all for reading my rambling bollocks. Thanks especially to Smurf for popping his face in here after I dragged him in off Facebook. Coming up next: why Meteos and/or PMTTYD is the greatest thing since garlic bread.

(And now I've got to go post a picture of somebody loving his kid JESUS CHRIST )

Honestly mate, I realise this is coming after you’ve made your decision, but that last post is more concerning than anything else you’ve posted.

As someone who did a whole bunch of repressing how I really felt for 8 years to the point that I literally still don’t know who I am I can’t let that slide. It sounds like you do want them and that’s not something you should deny yourself for the easy way. I’m well aware of the easy way as well and I promise you that brings no joy either... It’s easy to give yourself up for a person, but it’s not a good idea.

Sent from Topic'it App

If, in a year's time, you still feel like you want kids and this is an issue, I'd be with Andy. As it is, though, it sounds like amybe you weren't really interested, then someone brought it up, you kind of liked the idea, but maybe you'll forget about it? Like how, the week before payday, I might crave a mcdonalds like crazy but by the time I've got cash in my pocket, I don't really fancy a McDonalds any more.

That's the thing in a years time Balla does want kid's and isn't like your Maccys then like you say it be a issue, if The Lady has moved in etc then it's like nah I want kids, you don't, maybe we should go are separate ways.

Or could be 8 years like Andy

If that's the case, that's a problem for one year from now Balla.

Hello it's me, the world's least decisive person, coming to you live from London. I basically think all three of you are right: I may well be repressing myself, but I don't know because it has all been a bit of a blur. I think I need time to determine whether I do actually want kids or have been shocked into action by this conversation. Fortunately The Lady has been reasonably understanding, but yeah: any thoughts of moving in together have to be pushed back a bit.

Also as well as the kids thing, which I think is fair for me to consider, my mum sent me an e-mail today saying she thinks TL (who is chronically shy) is somewhere on the spectrum and could we talk about it. My mum is ill, as I think I mentioned elsewhere, so I can't really say, 'Fuck off you controlling git,' but I'm kinda thinking it. It's also making me second-guess what I thought was the first useful piece of relationship advice she's given me, purely because it comes from her.

I don't value the opinion of anyone from my parents' generation on any subject.

Today is my and The Lady's third anniversary.  We're doing nothing today, but we're doing a lot of stuff over the weekend.  We're exchanging gifts, going for a posh Italian bookended by bubbly, going to our favourite chain, cooking each other our favourite meals, going to the annual NaNoWriMo party we originally met at to relive the horrendously awkward experience, and hopefully playing lots and lots of Pokémon.  (She's also getting FETH, and I might be getting a game.  Neither of us knows.)

I didn't just come here to boast though: I kind of wanted to tie up the loose end I left.  I have tried to think more about having kids and my future in the interim, but she's kind of got in the way.  She's great and I'm deeply in love with her.  I think the kids have to fit into that framework, if they happen at all (she's dubious but hasn't entirely slammed the door on it).  If they don't I'll just try and be a great uncle or something, if I need that in my life.  I can't say I'm 100% sure with it, but it's... BotW levels of sure.

I've got a week with the parents over Christmas to struggle through, should that come up, although I think I've made them reasonably well aware of where things stand.  If that goes off without a hitch, she's willing to pocket the spare key to my flat.  I hope that can be the start of us moving in together.

That sounds promising Balla! I hope everything goes according to plan and you can begin living together.

I am being treated to the poshest Italian I’ve ever been to. Also Teh Lady bought me A Hat in Time.

This is wonderful. WONDERFUL I SSY

(even if she did get an entir bloody Switch NO IM NOT BITTER)

Anyway it’s great. I hope you’re all having a splendid (checks calendar) 15th Movember, that most arbitrarily special day of the year.

Was this a rare somewhat under the influence Balla post? It's still put together better than most of my pish.

It was one of those rare occasions where I don't remember the latter part of the night at all, which was a shame. Champagne, then cocktails, then another bottle of wine will do that to a person.

Oh, hello GNamer Romantic Mishaps Thread. It's been a while.

So, I've been single for about five months; and hadn't seen her for four months before that. I've had a few dates in that time, though there was a big spell in the middle there where a certain Global Pandemic got in the way, but that's pretty much disappeared here in Japan.

I'm now in the troublesome position of seeing two girls and knowing someone is getting their heart broken eventually.

First there's a Japanese lass. Lives in the next prefecture over, likes Monster Hunter, Splatoon and Pokémon, very into me, we've had three nice enough dates . . . but I don't always feel like there's a deep connection there, y'know? We often find ourselves without much to say when we hang out, I think she's set on having kids and raising them outside Japan, and everything in the bedroom is a little going-through-the-motions.

The other girl is English, lives a couple of towns over right here in this prefecture. Likes Pokémon, Animal Crossing and extremely leftist politics. We've only had one date so far but we got on like a house on fire and I really enjoy talking to her even when it's just online. I definitely have more of a crush on her, but also it's not even close to serious right now, and might not be going anywhere.

I guess my issue right now is that both situations are only at the "dating casually" stage, but in one I feel like she wants more than I'm prepared to give, and in the other I feel a little more attached than I ought to just yet.

I’m extremely sorry to read that. All I can say is that I hope it ended amicably and that you’ve been okay.

Re. the current situation, as somebody who’s been in the same position as Lass 1, all I’d say is let her down gently when it comes to it, and communicate your intentions clearly as soon as you feel up to it. No point in keeping up with someone you can’t talk to for too long, I’d have thought.

Balladeer wrote:

I’m extremely sorry to read that. All I can say is that I hope it ended amicably and that you’ve been okay.  

Oh, yeah, I guess I never mentioned that here?
It was a weird one. She just can't handle being in a relationship with all of her social anxieties, and I'm not someone who's happy with a Long Distance Relationship in which we don't see one another or even talk for half the year. With the increasing distance, both physically and emotionally, when the break-up eventually came it was kind of a relief to be honest.

I've been fine, but it's just another one of the many reasons this has been one hell of a year to quit drinking!

Quote :

Re. the current situation, as somebody who’s been in the same position as Lass 1, all I’d say is let her down gently when it comes to it, and communicate your intentions clearly as soon as you feel up to it.  No point in keeping up with someone you can’t talk to for too long, I’d have thought.

This is probably true, but I may also be overselling it. I'm willing to try and see if anything develops, but I'm also going to do my best not to give her any of the wrong impressions. Unfortunately, I'm just a generally affectionate guy and that can often come across as meaning more than it should. :/

For what it’s worth I think as long as no lines are drawn it’s not a problem. I was in a similar situation to the first one for a bit but the lockdown killed that dead, but no reason to worry too much about giving false hope if they haven’t expressed any deeper feelings anyway.

I guess I kind of see it more as, would they jump at the chance to draw a line if it were offered them?  You're technically right, but I've been in a casual 'relationship' where I really really felt for the girl, and if she'd dinghied me for another bloke I'd have been devastated.  (Fortunately she didn't and I collected myself up.)  At that point, pushing the other party away seems like the kindest option.

That is my fault, and I see the other side of things, which is - it obviously wasn't a relationship and given that I treated it like one, it was on me if I got hurt as a result.

Buskalilly wrote:

Oh, yeah, I guess I never mentioned that here?
It was a weird one. She just can't handle being in a relationship with all of her social anxieties, and I'm not someone who's happy with a Long Distance Relationship in which we don't see one another or even talk for half the year. With the increasing distance, both physically and emotionally, when the break-up eventually came it was kind of a relief to be honest.

I've been fine, but it's just another one of the many reasons this has been one hell of a year to quit drinking!

You didn't, but those reasons are completely justified - I did often wonder how the long-distance (very long-distance!) thing was going to work for you two, and it sounds like there was other stuff on top of that.  Anyway, I'm glad it didn't shake you up too much when it ended.  Onto the next adventure(s)!

I think that’s on you to raise it though if you’re feeling that way. If you’re starting casual and there’s been no definition to move away from that I don’t think there’s any grounds to feel mad at anyone but yourself for not raising it.

We've had a decent start to the New Year.  From now on, The Lady will be known as Bal-lady-er.  Or maybe I'll be known as that?*  Anyway, we're engaged.

*Spoiler: it'll be neither.


DIGRESSION ALERT: Some of you have me on social media elsewhere: please keep this under wraps for now. We haven't told many people! Apart from, y'know, this post here where the whole Internet could see it if they wanted.

Congrats

Many congratulations, Balladyer! (That just looks like Balla Dyer, which is fitting as I'm sure Danny Dyer is a major inspiration of yours.)

Whoa there! Congrats Mr. and Mrs. Deer.