The Jolly Ridiculous GNamer Tabletop Internet Text-Adventure RPG

>SHARING EXP AND GOLD IS FOR CHUMPS
>KEEPING IT SAFE THOUGH IN CASE I RUN OUT OF MP AGAINST A TOUGH FOE
>JOIN DESMOND IN SOUTHEASTERN PASSAGE

>DO LAME JOKE ABOUT THE DAILY MAIL IN RELATION TO SHIRT

>ARRIVE IN THE ROOM WITH AW THE EMPTY CHESTS WHERE AWCUNT IS
>USE ALL MA SKILLS
>LEAVE

Username returns to the main room, quipping about how his shirt hates foreigners or something. (He'd sing this song, except his voice is too grizzled to get a decent note out of.) Then he's nearly bowled over by a large mole, who has escaped from the Summoning Plain and frolics gaily about a bit. It tells the STATUE that she should been smashed to smithereens, and burrows underground, whence curses can be heard gently drifting.

Jay and Desmond join hands- er, I mean forces outside the southeastern passage. Sadly it's still dark, and Jay's desire to venture into the blackness has been further reduced by reading that goth's notes, which seem more relevant since BETTY's brief appearance. How will you penetrate the darkness?

Bally and Seymour, meanwhile, decide to explore the locked door. They open it into a well-lit small area, where the only thing of interest is a thin looking man, half-asleep behind what seems to be a stall. In the distance, they can see a large door, displaying an artist's depiction of a green, humanoid creature with yellow eyes and large ears.

>EXAMINE STALL
>CAREFULLY

>DO LAME JOKE ABOUT THE POSTAL SERVICE IN RELATION TO SHIRT. MAYBE SOMETHING "SATIRICAL" ABOUT PRIVATISATION

>POKE SLEEPING CHAP IN THE EYE

"This shirt's my private shirt... because it's in the mail!"

The STATUE is stony-faced in response.

---

Bally gently bends over the man, who is rocking back and forward, and tries to whisper into his ear. No response. Seymour takes a more direct response and prods him: the man jerks backwards, and squints at the travellers.

"Food... please..."

The he slumps back over.

>BUGGER THE DARK PASSAGE
>JOIN BALLY IN THE OTHER ROOM
>GIVE STARVING BLOKE DEAD CAT TO EAT

Jay bursts in to save the day!  Er, I mean, give the starving man a DEAD CAT.  His eyes slowly turn upwards towards the possibly poisoned feline proffered him - then he snatches the animal surprisingly quickly.  He's soon tearing ravenously through the fur with his bare teeth.  It's... quite horrifying to watch.  Eventually, the man wipes fur and innards of his face (you don't want to know what that white liquid is), and starts to talk...

"Oh, thank you!  Thank you so much!  I'd given hope that anyone would ever appear!  My dear old things, you have no idea how glad I am to" (bites cat) "shee you.  I hrffn't eaten in daysh!"  (swallows)  "Please, please, take a look at my wares.  I'm a merchant, you see; not that this is much of a place for a merchant.  Er...  You haven't met anyone else in here, have you?  Maybe an old, eccentric-sounding cove with a staff?"

WARES:
POTION - £2 (restores 5 LP)
MAGIC POTION - £4 (restores 5 MP)
PROPER WAND - £7.50 (staff/stave, +3 Attack, +2 Magic)
RELAXING POLEAXE - £8 (poleaxe, +5 Attack, -1 Speed)
ARMOURED HAT - £5 (+3 Defence)

>BUY
>SELL
>TALK
>GRACKLE
>LEAVE

---

In PETA Headquarters, a 'phone rings, and is answered by a shadowy figure.  First the cat, then the bats, and now this flagrant display of carnivorous behaviour...  Somebody's going to pay for this.

>BUY PROPER WAND
>BUY ARMORED HAT
>EQUIP PROPER WAND
>EQUIP ARMORED HAT
>SELL BIG STICK AND COMMIE MALLET

>BUY RELAXING POLEAXE
>BUY 2 POTIONS
>EQUIP RELAXING POLEAXE
>ASK MERCHANT ABOUT THE PICTURE OF THE STRANGE GREEN CREATURE ON THE DOOR

>BUY MERCHANT

>FEEL SAD THAT WAS UNABLE TO GET IN ON THE PURCHASING FUN

> USES "COOL GUY" ON THE SOUTH EAST PASSAGE IN THE HOPE THE EXPLOSION LEFT IN MY WAKE WILL LIGHT THE ROOM.

Lots of transactions are made (see Inventories). The COMMIE MALLET sells for £10, and the BIG STICK for £1.50. Username attempts to buy the merchant, who hisses loudly and drives him off with a cat spleen. What is it with Username and pocketing merchants anyway? First Masofdas, now this gentleman... Bally observes the proceedings glumly.

Seymour TALKS to the salesman about the creature depicted on the door. The salesman cowers visibly.
"Oh God, I... They're... They're everywhere! They hide in the darkness, waiting for some poor fool to step in. I can still see their fangs when I close my eyes.
"They chased me here, you know - they're out there, where you came from, and behind that door, there's... well, I wouldn't go through it if I were you. Stay here with me, and starve to death! An infinitely preferable fate..."
...he's clearly been driven to the edge of his sanity by hunger. Clearly.

---

In the meantime, Desmond turns away from the passage, expends 4 MP, and folds his arms. There's an earth-shattering BOOM... well, more a wall-shattering BOOM, as the door at the end of the passageway is replaced by a gaping hole. There's just enough light coming out of that hole for you to make your way through the passage to it.

>GO TOWARDS THE LIGHT

>BUY 2 MP POTIONS
>JOIN THE OTHERS IN THE NEWLY OPENED UP PASSAGEWAY

>GO DOWN THE PASSAGEWAY
>ENTER ROOM AT END OF PASSAGEWAY
>STRIKE A STRIKING POSE WITH POLEAXE WHILE WAITING FOR THE OTHERS

>ALSO ENTER ROOM AT END OF PASSAGEWAY

>STAND AWKWARDLY WAITING
>WONDER WHO THAT IS I'M SMELLING AT OUR LITTLE IMPROMPTU CONGREGATION IN THE ROOM AT THE END OF THE PASSAGEWAY

>IS REMINDED OF A PUZZLE

>GROUND CONTROL TO MAJOR TOM

>LIE DOWN AND HAVE A NAP WHILE THE PUZZLE STAGE LOADS.