The Jolly Ridiculous GNamer Tabletop Internet Text-Adventure RPG

>TALK TO PARTY: SCREW YOU ALL YOU NEVER LIKED ANY OF MY GIRLFRIENDS
REMEMBER WHEN YOU ALL CHASED OFF JOANNE
I DON'T KNOW WHY I EVEN HANG AROUND WITH YOU ANY MORE

BallaDEER wrote:

Whoa there! I think Mas needs to have a say in this. If he doesn't post all day, it's all yours. If he does, you're relying on your Agreeability score as to whether you can convince him...

masofdas wrote:

I will accept 50p.

That counts right?

>ATTEMPTS TO FIND THE SOURCE OF THE DISTANT GROANING IN THE SOUTHWEST PASSAGE

Deal is done, I now have 50p.

Items for sale:
Plasma Sword with 10% charge £50
Half a Sandwich £1
A bottle of DIET Mountain DEW Energy £2
Boomstick £250
Mouth of the Souths Mega Phone £1000
Used Blow Up Doll of Katy Perry £5
Totaled Blue Falcon £3000
Complete DVD Box-Set of Big Bang Theory series 1 - 7 £40
Chewed Stylus 50p
Plot of Land on Uranus £20

>WAITS PATIENTLY BEHIND JAY

Masofdas and Desmond conclude their sale!  Desmond acquires ONE (1) POTION; Masofdas acquires 50 PENCE.  But THE MARKET is not pleased at him for having sold a POTION so far below the asking price, and he takes a hit of 2 LP!  He doesn't get any EXP either.  Price rules in whatever country this is (that just so happens to use British currency) are tough.

---

Back to the BETTY situation, Username takes a stand.  He moves forward, opening the top button on his warrior's tunic.  He makes an offhand comment about how stunning BETTY is looking today, and how well the blood on her hands complements her sunken carved eyes.  He is impressed by her power and ruthless killing.  He asks if she'd like to go out for a drink later.  

BETTY groans, stretches her arm back...

Charisma check:

...and stops.  Her automatous brain begins to whirr in peculiar ways.

The last person who paid her a complement was that lunatic from upstairs.  He was definitely mad, calling her "his child" one moment and "the love of his life" the next.  So she'd disabled him and used his spare parts to enhance her own performance.  And now here is this perfectly sane human being (she thinks: he's currently yelling at the one with the red hair about somebody called "Joanne"), telling her how she's beautiful and interesting and asking her for a drink.  She doesn't know what "a drink" is, but she thinks it sounds nice.  She opens her mouth to accept...

...and then Jay, with Ballyzero and Seymour standing right behind him, finishes turning the pillar, fixing a beam of light on her and freezing her in place.  BETTY has now temporarily turned back into a STATUE.

---

Desmond is too cool to be bothered by any of these shenanigans.  He swaggers into the southwest passage room (finally).  All the fluid has been burnt up, leaving the room fog-free (although there is a lingering smell of urine in the air).  There's a chest in the pits on either side of the central path, but they're too far down to reach without climbing aids.  And the path is still blocked by a creature who, incredibly, is just about holding on...

CRISPY-SMELLING ZOMBIE PIERS MORGAN DOESN'T REALLY WANT TO BATTLE, BUT HE'S NOT LETTING YOU PASS ANY TIME SOON.


15/100 LP

>PROCEED TO BEAT UP ZOMBIE PIERS MORGAN WITH BIG STICK

>TALK TO DISEMBODIED VOICE AND PARTY: WILL BETTY UNFREEZE IMMEDIATELY IF WE MOVE HER?
IF NOT, A TEAM EFFORT TO CARRY HER UPSTAIRS AND CHUCK HER THROUGH THE TRAPDOOR MAY BE WISE

BETTY will unfreeze as soon as she is removed from the sunlight.

>COCK

>AMBLE DEPRESSED DOWN THE SOUTHWESTERN PASSAGE
>GRUMPILY USE "ON THE RUN" ON ZOMBIE PIERS MORGAN

>REALISES BALLYZERO AND JAY HAVE PROBABLY GOT THIS ONE COVERED
>THROWS IN A FEW SLY DIGS WITH BIG STICK ANYWAY JUST BECAUSE IT'S PIERS MORGAN

BallaDEER wrote:

The last person who paid her a complement was that lunatic from upstairs.  He was definitely mad, calling her "his child" one moment and "the love of his life" the next.  So she'd disabled him and used his spare parts to enhance her own performance.  And now here is this perfectly sane human being (she thinks: he's currently yelling at the one with the red hair about somebody called "Joanne"), telling her how she's beautiful and interesting and asking her for a drink.  She doesn't know what "a drink" is, but she thinks it sounds nice.  She opens her mouth to accept...

...and then Jay, with Ballyzero and Seymour standing right behind him, finishes turning the pillar, fixing a beam of light on her and freezing her in place.  BETTY has now temporarily turned back into a STATUE.

>ATTEMPT TO SEDUCE PIERS MORGAN

>DIE ALONE

Ballyzero and Jay join Desmond in the Piers Doorgan room, leaving Username to curl up in the foetal position near the STATUE. Bally gets there first and gives the smug-faced zombie journalist a smack with his STICK, doing 3 LP damage. Jay mooches in afterwards and casts ON THE RUN (2 MP): Monty cannons into the zombie and throws him backwards onto his arse, doing 5 LP damage. Desmond adds further injury to insult by decking the berk in the face, doing another 3 LP.

EXP gains:
Bally: 3 EXP
Jay: 5 EXP
Desmond: 3 EXP

Jay reaches Level 2!:

CRISPY-SMELLING ZOMBIE PIERS MORGAN staggers back off his backside and attacks! He uses GLEAMING FOREHEAD to deal 3 LP damage to the entire party (in the room).

Blinding chance:

Ballyzero is BLINDED by the sweaty reflective zombie flesh! Physical attacks accuracy reduced blah blah blah.


4/100 LP

>LEVEL 2 CELEBRATION
>YOU SCRUBS BETTER CATCH UP
>DO PIERS'S HEAD IN WITH BIG STICK

>WAIL

>STAND AS STILL AS POSSIBLE

>RUN OVER TO ZOMBIE PIERS* BRANDISHING BIG STICK
> KICK HIM IN THE SHINS

(*tugs spectral voice's shirt, don't forget about that permanent effect)

Jay raises the stick, to bring it down... only for Seymour to CUT TO THE CHASE, sliding in and dealing 3 LP!  He gets 3 EXP for his troubles.

...leaving PIERS on 1LP, so Jay clouts the zombie into the dust.  He "accidentally" hits Bally with the same swing, due to their rivalry, doing 2 LP damage.

CRIPSY-SMELLING ZOMBIE PIERS MORGAN HAS BEEN SLAIN!  VICTORY DANCE Y/N?

Spoils:

Bally reaches level 1!:

Desmond reaches level 1!:

Guess what happens to Seymour!:

After all that, you can finally see the rest of the room.  There are two ROPE LADDERS leading down into the pits, where the CHESTS are.  There's a huge picture of PIERS MORGAN looking smug as fuck on the back wall, which was thankfully mostly destroyed in the blast, and another CHEST below it.  The CHEST wasn't damaged at all.  Odd that.

Meanwhile, Username continues to succumb to the feelings he so hates and wails on the floor of the main room.  He could, y'know, just turn the pillar and move the light off the STATUE.  Maybe it just hasn't occurred to him yet.  I dunno.

>OPEN CHEST BELOW PIERS MORGAN'S PICTURE
>REJOICE AT MIRACULOUS RECOVERY

>CLIMB DOWN ROPE LADDER
>OPEN CHEST

>DECIDE I CAN DO BETTER, AND MIRACULOUSLY GET OVER BETTY
>STILL BUY KATY PERRY DOLL OFF MAS
>DESCEND ROPE LADDER
>OPEN OTHER CHEST

>DOES VICTORY NOD INSTEAD OF VICTORY DANCE
>EQUIPS SUIT
>FEELS STUPID
>OPENS ANOTHER CHEST BECUASE IF I FOLLOWED THIS RIGHT THERE'S ONE MORE LEFT

Username acquires a USED KATY PERRY BLOW-UP DOLL, and it will never be mentioned again all story. Hopefully. Masofdas gets 3 EXP for selling something at the going rate, as well as the cost of the doll. Although he will have to pay his dues to THE MARKET at some undefined future point.

There are sadly only three CHESTS (not including blow-up Katy Perry's), so Desmond grimly misses out. He equips the SUIT, anyway. It doesn't make him feel any less grim, but it's a smugger vein of grimness.

Ballyzero gets a MEGA KEY!
Jay gets a COMMUNIST MALLET! EQUIP MALLET? (I recommend that you check its description in your Inventory before you do.)
Username gets a MAIL SHIRT! There's no reason not to equip it, so he does.

YOU ARE DONE WITH THIS ROOM! There's a kind of fanfare that sounds like Final Fantasy music being played through a kazoo, and you get a gold star for the room on your Dungeon Map. Which is nice.

Where to now? There's a locked door opposite this one in the southwest passage, and the southeast passage remains unexplored.

>REALISES HE DIDN'T SEE BEEMOH OPENING ONE OF THE CHESTS
>FEELS STUPID AGAIN
>EXPLORES SOUTHEAST PASSAGE

>STAND BY THE OTHER LOCKED DOOR AND WAIT IMPATIENTLY FOR BALLYZERO.

>TRY TO OPEN LOCKED DOOR WITH MEGAKEY
>IF SUCCESSFUL, SHOVE SEYMOUR INTO THE OPEN DOORWAY
>IF UNSUCCESSFUL, FEEL SAD BRIEFLY