The Jolly Ridiculous GNamer Tabletop Internet Text-Adventure RPG

>INSTALL RPG TO HARD-DRIVE TO IMPROVE LOADING TIMES

In the meantime, we invite you to choose from one of our plagiarised used under licence pieces of relaxing music. Please stand by...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RRfHbyCQDCo
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZbbUv1hz6mE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oI92T48V7oU

>ANXIOUSLY ANTICIPATING TRUCK LEVEL IN GNAMER RPG

>YEAH
>WOAH WOAH
>WOAH WOAH WOAH WOAH WOAH WOAH WOAH

(not joining in with RPG, just wanted to join in with the last piece of relaxing music)

>PUT NINTENDUCK'S LEFT HAND IN A BOWL OF WARM WATER

>GO ON TVTROPES.ORG FOR A FEW MINUTES
>LEAVE SEVERAL HOURS LATER

>INFLATE KATY PERRY DOLL
>POSITION UPON NINTENDUCK IN A COMPROMISING POSITION
>TAKE PHOTOS FOR LATER BLACKMAIL
>DEFLATE DOLL AND RETURN TO INVENTORY

>WISH I STILL HAD DEAD CAT SO I COULD PRETEND I HAVE FRIENDS

>DRAW NOB ON NINTENDUCK'S FACE

Jay pads out his Inventory with two MAGIC POTIONS, and then the group shuffle off to meet Desmond in the lit-up south-east passageway.  The merchant cries out to them ("Don't leave me here aloooooone!"), but they don't pay him much attention. Seymour's already there, striking a striking pose.  

Then the room takes its sweet time to load, I mean really.  It's like, with the extra power afforded by next-gen. software, you'd think that they could dedicate some of that to making the game load a bit faster, you know what I mean?  Eventually one of the players takes matters into their own hands and installs the game to his hard drive.  

In the meantime, the player characters mill around.  Jay keeps sniffing oddly, then yells out some song lyrics (as does one of the OBSERVERS).  The other players back away from the crazy drunk Northlander.  Bally kicks him in the shins due to their RIVALRY, but apart from making him fall over it doesn't do any damage.  Then he shuffles off to look at some website or other.

Seymour takes matters into his own hands and has a nap.  This... turns out to be a mistake.  When the room has finally loaded, his hand is in a bowl of warm water, there's a puddle of urine around him, and his face is itching.  He looks at it in the bowl and aw son of a bitch.  He looks around accusingly, but Bally's absent, Desmond is facing the other way with his arms folded, Jay is swaying backwards and forwards, and Username is deflating his KATY PERRY DOLL.  No obvious suspects there, then.  Anyway, the group go into the newly-loaded room, including Bally, who comes back looking slightly worse for wear.

---

As they enter, the door slams shut behind them.  But you thought it was blown off?  Clearly shenanigans are at work here.  The characters check their Inventories, and some mysterious force has sealed them shut.  None of their special moves seem to work either.  One of the players leafs through the game's INSTRUCTION MANUAL, and finds that this corresponds with a PUZZLE ROOM, a.k.a. this game's attempt to ape 9H9P9D and its ilk.  Ho hum.

May as well look around.  The room seems to be made of stone, but there's a CARPET on the floor and PICTURES on the north-east and south-west walls.  It looks like another study, from the DESK in the east corner, but the massive STATUE FACE on the south-east wall seems to put paid to any chance of peaceful working.  It's a flat face carved out of the stone, with huge ears and several sharp teeth showing.  They've modelled the arms too, and the right arm is extended and making a very rude gesture into the room.  You can't help but feel you've seen that face previously in this dungeon...

Other than that, there's not much: a BIN in the north corner, a WARDROBE in the south, and a CUPBOARD in the west.

>LOOK IN BIN

>ROLL UP CARPET

Spoiler:

>FEEL A BIT FORLORN
> GO LOOK AT WARDROBE
>LOOK INSIDE IT TOO
>AND BEHIND IT

Jay rifles through the rubbish.  It's mostly tissues: you really hope that whoever used this BIN last just had a cold.  There's something less tissue-shaped at the bottom, however: a small tile with the letter "N" on it.

N TILE ADDED TO PUZZLE INVENTORY.


Username rolls up the carpet (I can't see the video at work, but I'll assume it's hilarious) and finds... some mouldy floorboards.  Somebody hasn't been doing their cleaning, in between sneezes.  Anyway, there's a stone floor directly under the mould, so nothing to be found there, therefore.  He carefully puts the carpet back over the mould.  The room looks prettier that way, the STATUE FACE notwithstanding.


In between frantically rubbing his face, the handsome Seymour sadly checks the WARDROBE.  It's a pretty nice affair, mahogany rather than whatever wood Ikea uses.  He appreciates it for a while: a rare bread collector eventually gains an eye for other types of beauty too.  There's a drawer at the bottom, but it won't open and there's no keyhole.  He peeks behind it as well, but there's nothing there apart from a few cobwebs.

He peers inside instead, and OH GOD HIS EYES.  There are a collection of hideous jackets of various types hanging up in there, sequined and garish and generally looking like something out of a glam rock music video.  Oddly, they seem to be stuck to their hangers, although the hangers themselves are removable and fit into four slots on the rail.  From left to right:

• A jacket emblazoned with... are those Wii remotes?  Yes, Wii remotes.  Little white oblongs on a cyan background.
  
• A pink and black lacy jacket, covered in little lace bows.  Seriously, they're everywhere. And yes, it is in a man's size.
  
• A yellow and navy jacket, with a patterns featuring green insects all over it.  Useful if you want to attract songbirds, maybe?
  
• A green and blue affair.  On its back, a sun is pictured high over a town.  How quaint.

He rifles through the pockets, because why not.  He finds nothing in three of them, but the sunny one has another tile in its pocket.  Hooray!

S TILE ADDED TO PUZZLE INVENTORY.

---

CURRENT PUZZLE INVENTORY:
N TILE
S TILE

>HAVE A POKE AROUND THE DESK

>ENTER CUPBOARD

>LOOK AT THE PRETTY PICTURES ON BOTH WALLS (BUT NOT AT THE SAME TIME, COS WEIRD)

>APPRECIATE THE WOOD WORK SOME MORE.
> WONDER WHY ANYONE WOULD BUY SUCH ATTIRE
>CHECK THE SIZES ANYWAY

>WONDER OUT LOUD IF THE STATUE FACE IS BETTY'S SISTER

Jay (Miniblin?  Nope, definitely not) has a look at the DESK.  A standard wooden affair, made out of wood not quite as nice as the WARDROBE.    It's got an old-style GAS LAMP burning on top, and a couple of drawers.  One readily opens to reveal another TILE, but the other (wouldn't you know it?) is locked tight.  No sign of a keyhole either.

The writing surface seems to have some engravings on it, but you can't tell what they are just by running your hand over them.  There are also some sheets of paper on the desk (shock horror): most are blank, but the top one bears the following legend, written in a clumsy childish hand:

WHEN JACKETS ROCK
AND PAPER BURNS
THEN BLIND THE FACE
THE NEEDLE TURNS

                   good luck!!!
the puzzlemaster ^_^

E TILE ADDED TO PUZZLE INVENTORY.


Username ponders aloud whether that stone face is any relation to BETTY.  He gets withering looks from the others.  Indeed, the large ears and teeth bear nothing in common with the mercenary's former love interest (albeit very briefly).  Shouted down like this, albeit without any further words, he goes glumly to the CUPBOARD and tries to enter it.

However, he can't enter the CUPBOARD because it is full of BOOKS!  The top part is, anyway.  You can see their covers through the glass: "The Supernatural Biologist's Handbook", "The Oxford English Guide to Things that Go Bump in the Night Vol. III", "Gremlins, Goblins and Ghosts"...  Somebody obviously had a very keen interest in a certain type of creature.  There's nothing helpful in here, unless somebody's hidden a secret note in "The Complete Guide to the Realm's Vilest Creatures", and given that it looks large enough to brain a small elephant, it might be sensible to check every other avenue first.

The CUPBOARD also has a drawer and a lower compartment.  The drawer contains (contain your suspense please) another TILE, but the compartment is... yep.  At least this one has a keyhole, though.  Now, if only you had the key...

W TILE ADDED TO PUZZLE INVENTORY.


Bally examines the pictures.  The north-east one is entitled "Rock":

Spoiler:

The south-west one is entitled "Aphidoidea":

Spoiler:

They look like fairly normal photographs.  No hidden switches, either on them or behind them.  But surely somebody wouldn't have such a hideous picture on their wall if it didn't mean anything?  And the insects aren't particularly pleasant either. (Badum-tish.)


Seymour considers both the wood (that's some damn fine wood he's got there) and the JACKETS.  Oh goodness, the JACKETS.  They make his stomach turn just looking at them.  Nonetheless, he dares to get close enough to see the sizes.  Standard men's sizes, all of them, if slightly on the small side.  Nothing interesting there.

---

CURRENT PUZZLE INVENTORY:
N TILE
S TILE
E TILE
W TILE

>USE TILES TO SPELL "NEWS"
>ATTACH TO FRONT OF DESK
>SIT BEHIND DESK
>BROADCAST AT 10PM

>STARE AT TILES
>WONDER IF THESE ARE JUST BLOODY RED HERRINGS CORRESPONDING TO THE LOCATION OF WHERE THEY WERE FOUND, W TILE IN THE WEST ETC.
>USE "ANGST" AND JOIN NEKU IN BITCHING ABOUT PUZZLES

The team start to get frustrated at the lack of obvious progress. Username snatches the tiles and sets them up along the DESK, then broadcasts a report about how this entire room is complete horseshit. Jay considers that he might be being led up the garden path, and tries to use ANGST in pain, but the PUZZLE ROOM's PUZZLE AURA prevents him! He bitches about puzzles on his own instead. Username reports that in breaking news, Jay is having a breakdown, to which Jay objects in the strongest possible terms: those of his PROPER WAND. Can they make further progress in the puzzle before one of them is dunted to death? Find out in this afternoon's special bulletin.

DM Notes:

>PUT ON INSECT JACKET
>POSE IN FRONT OF INSECT PICTURE
>CRY PROFUSELY IF NOTHING HAPPENS

>ENQUIRE AS TO NATURE OF GESTURE BEING MADE BY STATUE