The Jolly Ridiculous GNamer Tabletop Internet Text-Adventure RPG

The crew gather around while Jay works his magic, cheering him on in story and song. It all goes fine up until he tries to move the U: all the ready-placed tiles are stuck in place! Bang goes that idea.

The Hint Demon is jumping up and down. "Ooh! Ooh! Pick me! It'll only cost you 20p each! Oh go on, please!"

Artist's interpretation of Hint Demon:

>TALK TO TEAM: RIGHT LADS, THERE ARE ONLY SO MANY POSSIBLE COMBINATIONS HERE. LET'S GO THROUGH THEM INDIVIDUALLY AND EXCRUCIATINGLY SLOWLY.

>PUT "NE" IN TOP SPACE
>PUT "SW" IN BOTTOM SPACE

>WONDER HOW WE CAN ALL GIVE 20 PENCE IF OUR INVENTORIES ARE LOCKED

>20P WAS A FREDDO 10 YEARS AGO
>NOT BLOODY PAYING THAT

beemoh wrote:

>PUT "NE" IN TOP SPACE
>PUT "SW" IN BOTTOM SPACE

>NOD AS USERNAME BUSIES AWAY

>tsk 20P ONLY BUYS 2 THIRDS OF A FREDDO THESE DAYS
>DO A FEW PRESSUPS TO STAY IN SHAPE WHILE USERNAME CARRIES ON

>WONDERS IF TILES CAN ONLY GO IN THE TWO EMPTY SPACES OR FIT ALONGSIDE A LETTER ALREADY IN PLACE AS THERE IS ROOM FOR 2 TILES IN EACH SPACE

>REALISE I'M STUMPED
>TOSS 20P INTO HINT JAR

Username puts NE in the top slot and SW in the bottom slot.  There's noticeably a "sucking" (now now) when he puts the tiles into the entirely empty slots, and none such when he tries the same with the non-empty slots - so I suppose that answers Desmond's question.

|N | |E | |SW| |U | |NE|
|BB| |SW| |PM| |B | |G |

There's another jolt!  Ouch.  Username's threats to the voice have gone relatively unheeded, it seems, and at a guess the next shock will be powerful enough to start deducting LP.  Choose wisely, therefore, or buy hints (the money will be deducted at the end of the puzzle, Seymour).

Seymour does some press-ups to keep fit.  The rest of the group have to try hard to keep their eyes of his beautiful naked body, bobbing up and down like that.

Jay asks for a hint.  The system has to have at least one other request to deduct everyone of twenty of their hard-earned British pence.

>THROW SOME HARD EARNED PENCE AT THE STRANGE FLOATY JAR THING WOT SAYS HINTS ON IT...

That'll do me!

HINT ACCOUNT: £1

Second hint:

>PLACE TILES AS FOLLOWS:
|N | |E | |SW| |U | | |
|BB| |NE | |PM| |B | |G |
>CHECK IT WORKS BEFORE DOING THE NEXT BIT

>IT ALWAYS COMES BACK TO NOEL EDMONDS
>ALWAYS

...Nothing's happening yet. All the pieces clearly need to go in...

>NERVOUSLY PUT SW IN THE REMAINING SLOT
>NERVOUSLY WAIT

>BITE FINGERNAILS

>REALISE HE WASTED HIS TIME COMPILING A LIST OF EVERY POSSIBLE COMBINATION OF TILES

>LOOK AT FINGERNAILS
>GRIMACE REALISING I'VE BEEN BITING THEM FOR AGES

Seymour inserts the pieces in a different order.

|N | |E | |SW| |U | |SW|
|BB| |NE| |PM| |B | |G |

There's a pause.  A pause of reasonable length.  Jay gnaws right through his fingernails.  Username looks up from the desk, where he's writing down combinations.  The Hint Demon holds its metallic breath...

Then everybody gets a SHOCK...

DM notes:

...as the STATUE FACE explodes into EXP and loot!

Spoils:

Ballyzero reaches level 2!:

Desmond reaches level 2!:

Jay reaches level 3!:

Seymour reaches level 2!:

Username jumps straight to level 2!:

The door unlocks, as do your inventories and special moves.  Where to now?

>EVOLVE "RAGE OF THE NORTH" TO "EDINBURGH DERBY"
>GO THROUGH DOOR

>IS REMINDED OF BETTY BY THE PUZZLE EXPLANATION
>SINGLE TEAR

>STRIKE SWANKY POSE
>GO THROUGH DOOR
>DISCONNECT DUE TO [redacted] ACTIVATE HACK-BOT TO APE JAY'S ACTIONS
>TAKE CLOTHES ON WAY OUT TOO

The cast make their escape through the door, which has gone back to just being a hole in the wall where Desmond blew it up. Username spends a brief moment thinking about his stone girlfriend that he never had, which turns into a slightly longer moment as they return to the main room, with the STATUE stock still in the light. Seymour puts his clothes back on, too, to the relief of his party and their confused libidos. His attempt to hack a fellow player's account is defeated by the rigorous ANTI-HACKING MECHANISMS contained in the game's code, however.

They stand in the central room. Only two things remain to be done: the CHESTS in the main room, and the as-yet unopened door to the southwest. (shudder)

>DO THE CHESTS

>INFORM USERNAME THAT THE CHEST HAVE TO BE OPENED IN A CERTAIN ORDER
>OPEN SOUTHWEST DOOR TENTATIVELY

>STANDS BEHIND JAY LOOKING TOUGH